Klatu Barata Nikto

For my creative writing class, I had to write a humor essay. I'm really not sure how to do it, but this is my first attempt.

Klatu Barata Nikto

Unlike most people I know now, I grew up at a time where the internet was a relatively new thing to the public. Game system developers would brag that they were working on 56k modems for their game systems, and then sell them for a great deal of money. Movies and TV would treat the internet as some other worldly dimension, in which existed lifeforms that either worked for our benefit or desired some way to get out and destroy us. Either way, the internet was the hip, cool thing, so I was excited when we got our first computer back in 1998. It was cheap and already outdated, running Windows 95 and the most advanced games in it's library were Unreal and Diablo.

A year later, news reports on TV began to warn us about the potential end of the world, as the Y2K bug was quickly entering into the world's conscience. The idea behind it was that when the clocks turned the year from 1999 to 2000, it was going to force computers the world over to crash, releasing all the nukes, obliterating the financial systems of the world and, I assumed, give sentience to every robot in the world beginning the robot apocalypse. Bomb shelters were in high demand, and grocery stores were filled with patrons buying as many canned foods as they could without realizing even these have an expiration date. I can only imagine their face when 2000 rolled around we were crushed under the heel of our new robot masters.

Our fascination with our own ultimate destruction seems to be a universal factor with the human race. Ever since the beginning of religious institutions, we've had many ideas as how this would come about. The longest withstanding is the Book of Revelations, which states that the Dragon (Satan) will be thrown to Earth after a battle in hell and give his authority of the world to a giant ten-headed leopard/bear/lion. Let's call him Ted. Ted will arrive, with ten heads, ten crowns and one head will be wounded. In the Book of Revelations, humanity is meant to praise the beast as it's new god. People have always said this is symbolic, that the beast itself will be whatever political figure they don't like. But I always preferred a literal translation. But this was written when the most advanced we had involved shooting a rock from a catapult. I can imagine things won't go so easy for the beast these days.

When Ted arrives from the sea, the initial shock will send people into a panic, leading to a very poorly done evacuation. The military would throw whatever they can at him, nukes, jet fighters, giant electric fences and possibly a satellite cannon that shoots black holes from space. But if life imitates art, it'll be killed by either a ridiculous weapon that breaks all laws of thermodynamics, a giant robot (which hopefully wouldn't join the robot rebellion), or another giant monster. Would that cease the end of the world, or would it just create a brand new way for us all the die.

As we edge closer to the dreaded date of December 21^st, 2012, new tales our imminent deaths have propped up and spread thanks to the wonderful tool known as the internet. We have a solar flare hitting us with microwaves, thus turning the world into an burnt popcorn kernel. We have a polar shift that will change the polar icecaps and turn Minnesota tropical and Brazil into northern Canada. But the most obvious threat is from the veritable Planet X.

According to bestselling author, Duncan Lunan, a mysterious planet known as Planet X will hit, or glide by the Earth and destroy either us or merely our atmosphere. His sources are obviously trustworthy, being aliens from the planet Upsilon Bootes. I, however, have my doubts. I can never trust aliens that come from something called Planet X, as I can only assume they're trying to lull us into a fall sense of security so they could send King Ghidorah or a giant robot that can only be stopped when someone says the words, “Klatu Barata Nikto”. Let's hope when they come, the giant robot will join the robot rebellion and kill King Ghidorah as he is just a weak fleshling.

Whatever is the case, the end will be coming at the end of this very month. But I have no regrets. I have the internet, and have spent the good portion of the time wasting it on watching cat videos.

I really hope it's at least decent.